Unmotivated, lost and desperate

If you guys know me in real life, you would know I'm not the type of person who likes to express my feelings. I try to keep a positive mindset and smile all the time. Not because I'm a hypocrite but because life is too short to dwell on all the negatives. That might sound very cliche but it could not be any more true. Life is full of its up and downs. Its inevitable. There will be good and bad times. There's always something to be thankful for, even during the bad times. It is through the bad times where you come out stronger than before with valuable life lessons.

Some of you might be wondering why I am writing this rather deep post today. On a Monday of all days (hello Monday blues anyone?) I was lying down last night on my bed and tears just came to my eyes. It flowed and I cried for no particular reason. I cried for my mom. I cried for my grandfather. I cried for my father. Hell, I cried for the world. I don't want to blog too much about my personal life as I like to keep at least some part of my life private but I will say that my family is going through a tough time right now. I feel like I have no one that I can open up to. Even if I did, I doubt that I will ever talk about it. You feel me? So that's where this post is coming from. It's an outlet for me to express my feelings. It's like my mini "therapy". If you can even call it that. It helps me to think, to sort my thoughts out. 

I feel so helpless at times. Like I'm walking around in a pitch black room and I don't yell, I don't shout for help. Instead I'm on my knees, crawling and trying to feel my way out. I'm too scared to cry for help though I can't really tell why. Its exactly how I feel about life now. I have no idea what I'm doing and then there's the situation with my family. I'm not going to lie here and say that cutting and smoking has not crossed my mind. But what good does that do me? Sure it would keep my mind off the situation but after that's done, I still have to face reality. I made up my mind last night that I would always use positive methods to give myself little breaks. No matter how bad the problem might be. Despite all these downs I want to find a reason to smile. To keep positive. That there is always hope that things will look up in the future.

But till that day comes, I will continue to try to find my way out of this pitch black room.